Hi. My name is Chris...and I'm a burrito-aholic. Wow, that feels good to say out loud!
I've been uncontrollably drawn to anything edible wrapped in a tortilla for as long as I can remember. Granted, I drink and have a foggy memory. Don't let that cast a shadow on my already dark and very serious compulsion. This isn't a silly, nonsensical addiction like chocolate or internet pornography or crack cocaine. People kick that shit all the time. No, this is something very palpable that I struggle with every day of my life.
Every morning on my way to work, when I lived in Phoenix, I would drive past a Filiberto's - the King of the 'berto's. My nose would fill with the decadant aroma of fresh breakfast burritos Monday through Friday. It took every feeble ounce of restraint in my weak-willed little body to deny the impulse of leaping from the moving vehicle, darting across traffic, and kicking in a window like Van-fucking-Damme.
Truth be told, I gave in to this urge frequently (minus the life-threatening heroics). My floorboard was nothing less than a mass grave of Filiberto's receipts and shame. I now live in Las Vegas, down the street from Don Tortaco...which is proving to be even more tempting.
What to do...
I figured I would attempt to kick this addiction the same way most of my friends' parents tried to get their children to quit smoking in junior high: over-indulgence. Seeing as how I can't smoke a carton of burritos (note to self: "carton of burritos"), my brother and I came up with another option. We decided to have "Burrito Day." The basic outline was this: have a burrito for every single meal of the day, including desert, being as non-traditional as possible.
Here's a brief rundown of how it went...
8:30am - meal 1
I arrived at my brother's apartment, bearing gifts of Filiberto's and Monster Energy drinks. We thought this would be a great way to start the day as well as being a good palette cleanser. By "palette cleanser" I mean, of course, it would completely empty our bowels to make room for all the subsequent burritos we would be ingesting throughout the day. We like to plan ahead.
After taking down meal 1, we made a grocery list. My brother had a few errands to run before we went shopping, so I headed home to let my stomach settle.
9:30am
Like clockwork...pallette cleansed.
10:30am
Met back up with my brother and went to the grocery store. Filled our cart with bacon, ground beef, tortillas, cheese, bread, champagne, orange juice, eggs, Miller High Life, syrup, potatoes, chips, and salsa. Anything else we needed was waiting for us back at the apartment.
11am
By now word had spread and company had arrived. We unloaded the groceries and started prepping. Seeing as how it was brunch, I dealt out mimosas. Anyone not cooking or assisting sat watching "UFC Ultimate Knockouts" and episodes of "Kenny Vs. Spenny."
Noon - meal 2
This round I had 2 burritos and 4 mimosas (I love 'em, it's like fancy orange juice). One burrito consisted of French toast pieces, potatoes, and syrup. Delicious. The other was a little more traditional (boring). Just eggs, cheese, and bacon.
Other burritos consumed were similar in style...except one. Greg (@eelgeelg) decided to "French toast" his tortilla and fill it with a pound of bacon. Yes...a full pound of bacon. Nothing more. While I jealously commend him for such a bold idea, I hear he didn't pass it until 3 days later.
We continued to drink beers and mimosas while watching TV and allowing our stomachs to settle once more.
3pm
With our stomaches expanding to the point of absurdity from burritos and alcohol, we lost track of time. Not much of a surprise. Someone pointed out how late it was becoming so we began preparing the building blocks of our next meal. I continued to encourage the consumption of mimosas and/or beer, thus giving everyone a healthy day-buzz.
3:14pm
We started to notice it was getting a little warm and stuffy in the apartment. Our concern was quickly justified by the uncomfortably loud smoke alarm. Who knew that cooking pounds of ground beef and bacon in a small, unventilated apartment could be so disastrous? Oh yeah, probably anyone who didn't have all the blood in their body rushing into their stomach.
A few of us frantically opened up the front door and sliding glass back door, waving and blowing smoky air out into the world while someone else continued to cook. Those not helping in any regard - namely the Mellinger children - continued watching TV.
3:30pm - meal 3
As would be expected, we started slowing down at Meal 3. A few hours of drinking and face-fucking yourself with burritos will do that. Please don't pity us and shed no tears, concerned readers, for we did this to ourselves.
I don't remember what everyone else had, but I believe it was of similar style to what I ate. Unfortunately yes, I only ate one burrito this round. I can't complain. It was magnificent.
Round 3 yielded a bacon cheeseburger burrito. It consisted of ground beef, bacon, cheese, and French fries. The fries were cooked in the bacon grease. Even as I type that sentence out...I am misty-eyed with nostalgia. You simply have not had French fries until you've had them cooked in bacon grease.
Sorry, Vegans...but not really.
Of course we rounded out the meal with more beer and the last remaining dregs of mimosas (which I am now calling "RO-J" or "Royal Orange Juice").
The next hour and a half was spent veg-ing out enjoying a good afternoon buzz and quality, albeit illegally downloaded, television programs.
5pm - workout
By now our stomaches had settled a bit, but were still pushing maximum capacity. In an attempt to expedite the eviction of our morning's meals from Hotel Colon, we felt a workout was in order. At the very least it would help avoid becoming a sweaty, drudging, bloated mess by morning.
The apartment complex had an exercise facility, so we took a little field trip. Not everyone seemed to share our ambition though. I believe only 4 of the group made it down to continue physically punishing their bodies in a slightly different manner.
7pm - meal 4
After a moderate-to-intense workout, a few more beers, and another 20 minutes of resting...the group dispersed towards their respective dwellings. Burrito Day was now just my brother and I.
As the last men standing on a sinking ship, and with our bellies distended like that of starving African children, we decided we were not quite done. There were still burritos to be consumed! So, rather drunk on food and alcohol, we prepared our final meal.
Our dinner burrito was penne and meatballs with homemade sauce. It was by far, and for reasons beyond my knowledge, my favorite of the day. I'm still conflicted as to whether it had anything to do with knowing that afterwards I could stop this ridiculously delicious ritual.
I propose, conversely, that it was prepared and placed in my mouth by The Flying Spaghetti Monster himself (RAmen).
7:30pm - desert
While the first annual Burrito Day was quickly coming to a close, we realized something: No self-respecting food-a-holic will eat dinner without a tasty desert. However, no full-blown "yum junkie" will eat dinner without TWO tasty deserts. Naturally...we wrapped and ate two desert burritos.
The first was a Long John donut...wrapped in a tortilla. Simple. Delicious. And just to round it out with a bit of class, I washed mine down with the remainder of the champagne.
Finally, like a marathon runner with the finish line in sight, we readied ourselves for the last desert burrito. Our breath was running short at this point and exhaustion was taking hold. Despite a million reasons to throw in the towel - including rational thought - we gave ourselves one last push for...
...a Ben & Jerry's ice cream bar...wrapped in a tortilla.
8:30pm - fin
I looked at the time on my phone. The clock read "8:30." My brother and I gave each other an affirming nod. With twelve hours of fat kid pigout under our belts, Burrito Day had ended. It was a success.
I slowly peeled myself out of a chair that was hugging me like a womb. It was so comforting and inviting I didn't want to leave. But all good things come to an end...and I didn't live there.
I staggered to the door and then my car, as if my body was re-learning how to be a biped. As I drove myself home, only one thought consumed me..."I'm going to take the angriest dump of my entire life."
*Update - A second annual Burrito Day took place on 12.26.2012, though completely under the radar. We are expecting the take things up a notch for Year Three.
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