Sober Fun - 10.31.12

When you're a seasoned partier, like most in our group, it can take a fairly brutal toll on your body.  Couple that with a burning desire to look good naked and you have a pretty good idea of the motivations behind our workout regimen. We have a fairly consistent gang of four to five rageaholics that meet for an hour of Gym Smash roughly five days a week.

We're also a bunch of goofballs who enjoy a good time.  That being said, and I can't recall who mentioned it originally, but about two weeks before Halloween the following conversation was had in the parking lot of Gold's Gym:

"Are we taking an off-day for Halloween?"

"Probably not.  Why?"

"We should all dress in costumes and work out."

"That is a perfect idea."

As the date quickly approached, we just became more and more excited about the idea of fucking with a bunch of meatheads.  Most gyms wreak of sweat and insecurities.  Vegas seems to be even more so.  Everyone takes themselves too seriously, they retreat into a world of solitude within the confines of their headphones, etc.  I rarely see anyone crack a smile, despite the ridiculous faces everyone makes while putting up their final rep.

The morning of Halloween, however, we came to a startling realization - we had spent the last two weeks telling everyone we were gonna dress in costumes and go to the gym...but didn't have a single fucking costume.  We panicked.  Not the kind of panic where you fart and think you're gonna shit yourself though.  More the kind of panic like, "the joke isn't funny if we don't actually DO IT." 

After a few moments of "racking" our brains, we settled on some outfits.  DJ and Nick were gonna be gay cowboys.  I went with "Batman on vacation."  It looked like this...

With our fires relit by the flame of hilarity, the three of us hopped in the truck and made our way to Gold's.  We couldn't wait to see what the other guys had planned and revel in our own comedic brilliance.

Unfortunately, we received some disappointing texts on the drive.  Nobody else was going to dress in costumes...or even go work out.  We were all alone on this one.  Not to be dissuaded, we cranked the music and continued on towards the gym.  Funny is funny and no one was gonna bring down our mood.  Their loss.

Approaching the parking lot, our nerves were a bit rattled.  You see, we exercise late at night.  There's usually never more than 2 or 3 other vehicles in the parking lot.  We like knowing that we won't have to wait for any machines, benches, free-weights, etc.  That was not the case this particular evening...

The place was fucking packed.

We parked along the periphery of the lot.  There was a brief moment of tense silence before someone spoke up.  "You guys wanna wait a few minutes and see if it clears out?"  "Sure, sounds good."

The three of us sat in the parking lot for about 20 minutes, chatting.  We breathed a pleasant sigh of relief every time a car would exit the complex.  However, the burden of embarrassment returned in waves as new patrons entered.  We quickly realized that this was happening.  We would be working out with our asses protruding from what can hardly be described as shorts in front of a very busy gym.

With a resounding "fuck it," we were crossing the parking lot and making our way towards the door.

Crossing the threshold, we greeted the gentleman working the front counter and continued on as if nothing was out of the ordinary.  None of us had to look around to know that every pair of eyes in the place were burning holes into our heads like ants under a magnifying glass.  We could feel their disdain, almost tangibly.

As we prepared for our first set of the night, something extraordinary happened.  All care, worry, stress, and embarrassment vanished like a fart in the wind.  We...didn't...give...a fuck.  It was Go Time.

Our workout that night was relatively brief compared to our normal routine - only about a half hour.  Partway through this half hour we decided to ham it up.  We did exercises based solely on how hilarious the pictures would look.  Moves like Romanian Dead Lifts, Spider Pull-ups, etc. look pretty ridiculous to begin with.  Try doing that in a costume that includes Daisy Dukes and you get this:

I can't recall a time where my friends and I got more scornful, disgusted looks from strangers since high school.  It honestly only made us laugh more.

We finished up our final set and took a look around.  In the half hour since we stepped foot into that gym, looking as we did...the gym cleared.  I'll go ahead and say that again, in case it's not registering with you.  We emptied out a fucking gym, based solely on our attire.  It was perfect.

The only laughs we got were from the single employee working that night and the two gentlemen who entered just as we were heading out.  That was more than we expected, so we thanked them.  The lone employee was even nice enough to take this photo for us:

We celebrated in the parking lot with a round of high-fives and protein shakes.  The night was a success.  And we did the whole thing sober, no less.

Oh...so immediately afterwards we went to Rounders for beers.

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GWAR/ETID/Warbeast - 11.14.11 Marquee Theater

This originally appeared on Missconstrued.com, but has since been taken down. I assume it was an accident of the website overhaul. Nonetheless, here it is for your amusement/derision...




I don't subscribe to fairy tales or superstition. However, I can't help but think that "the gods" have welcomed me into their good graces any time I'm able to find a spot in the parking lot of The Marquee Theater AFTER the doors have opened. I'm pretty sure you have a better chance of being struck by lightning twice in the same open field on a sunny day.

Pass the plate! We've got a believer!

My two friends and I rolled up to the venue around 7pm. The lot was surprisingly sparse. No line for tickets or entry. I know...weird. We quickly got our tickets and suffered the shoeless pat-down. I understand the need for security, but come on - it's GWAR and Every Time I Die.

A) everyone will probably be too drunk to even start an argument by 8:30pm
B) GWAR will have more weapons onstage than anyone in the crowd -- hey, a plastic sword is still a sword

After an emergency bathroom run (yeah, I'm that guy that forgets to go before leaving the house) we do the standard merch parusal, making mental notes of what we're gonna buy before the sweaty masses descend upon the t-shirt counter, coalescing into one fleshy mess, slurring cries of "THAT ONE! NO, THAT ONE!"

Upon entering the main room I quickly realize we've broken the cardinal rule (which I've made up) of an Every Time I Die show. We didn't properly pre-game. This isn't so much a concert as it is a party. So...a round of Kiltlifter to kick things off. It's got a high alcohol content to jumpstart that buzz and is locally brewed so Arizona residents can say, "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a small business promoter." Oh, and it's delicious.



The first band to take the stage was Warbeast from Dallas, Tx. I had never heard their music before, but they clearly made an impression on me, as the first note I wrote myself regarding the show was "Warbeast - holy fucking thrash!" If you don't like beer, beards, and Slayer you definitely won't like this band. If you do, congratulations on having a clue.

Between bouts of neckbreaking headbanging, the vocalist would introduce the band to the crowd. Imagine if Phil Anselmo were a proffessional wrestling announcer. That's what I heard. And despite the fact that Warbeast is from Texas, I swear the bass player spoke like a Gaelic pirate.

They played a great set. A little short, but sweet. I'll definitely be picking up their album soon. I didn't purchase it at the show, because I had already promised that all of my money would find a good home with ETID and the Marquee bar.

In the spirit of pacing, we switched to PBR (one of my favorite cheap beers) before heading over to purchase ETID merch. I went against my better judgement and only purchased ONE t-shirt. Pretty sure my buddy bought three, putting his closet total somewhere between 12-15. He is a good man.

We finished our beers and made sure to grab another on our way into the main room. Apparently everyone else decided to hit the bar right after us. We were able to casually stroll right to the front of the stage, as easily as we found our parking space earlier in the evening. We slammed the remainder of our beers while ETID's techs finished sound check. The only way to properly enjoy Every Time I Die is to go completely ape-shit and we didn't wanna spill our drinks.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: if you don't like Every Time I Die, we probably aren't friends. I know a lot of cool people, so I'm not afraid to lose a few of you. Just saying...

The venue had filled up pretty good behind us by the time they hit the stage. And holy shit, did they come out swinging in all their southern-tinged hardcore/punk rock fury! This performance was clearly for their longtime fans/superfans. They opened up their set with "Bored Stiff," a track off their second LP (or third if you're a superfan). The first few notes sparked a circle pit like flash paper in a forest fire. I was pleasantly surprised at how much of the crowd knew the song.

Of course, my friends and I immediately realized that the gentleman playing bass was NOT Josh Newton. Upon tweeting him my confusion, he replied that he had left the band. Bit of a bummer...but I digress.



In what seemed to be an attempt to up the "old school" ante, the band followed with "She's My Rushmore" - a song they released 8 years and 3 albums ago. They, in fact, played around 4 or 5 songs from their first record (or second, again, if you're a superfan), "Hot Damn!"







About halfway into their set, ETID announced that they were gonna play a brand new song. Amidst my jaw-dropped shock and awe, my friend simply said "watch." Apparently he'd seen all the wonder and glory of this new tune performed live via YouTube.
The song was called "Underwater Bimbos From Outer Space." I can't even type that without smiling. If this song is any indication of the type of material that will be found on their upcoming album, it's gonna be the best record they've released so far. I'm calling it now.

The band continued to kick ass, playing some old, some not-so-old, and some not-at-all-old material. Their song "We'rewolf" was dubbed by frontman Keith Buckley as, "the official party song of 2011...and probably 2012." Can't argue with you, sir. ETID ended their set with the fan favorite, "Floater." Yes...another classic nearly a decade old.

With Joker grins tattooed across our faces and dripping with sweat, my buddies and I headed in for a refill. We were all quite hoarse from screaming along for 40+ minutes. So we felt we needed to whet our whistles. To our dismay, they were SOLD OUT of PBR. I'll repeat myself. Every Time I Die played...and The Marquee ran out of PBR. Did they mistake us all for hipsters who would only drink a single beer in hopes of looking uber ironic? No! We're frugal and thirsty!

Had to settle for Bud Light...eh.

As the stage was set for GWAR, we realized we were pretty exhausted from ETID. So we hung in the back and drank our beers.
Oh...if you've never heard of GWAR (what?!), here's what they look like...



Yeah...

Since this is a lengthy entry already, I won't go into as much detail with GWAR's performance. Let me just say that if you ever get the chance to see them live...do it. Don't even question it. If you enjoy metallic punk rock music, horror films, and watching pop culture figures being disemboweled and/or beheaded onstage, you will love this band. They put on one of the best shows I've seen. It's entertaining as all hell. You don't go to a GWAR show for intellectual stimulation or emotional catharsis. You go to a GWAR show to drink beer, bang your head, and laugh your ass off! And we did exactly that...



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